Platform crocs are a real thing. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Platform crocs are a real thing. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Oh yes, you read that right. Just when we thought that we nearly saw the end of the croc epidemic, haute couture fashion house Balenciaga introduced a platform version of the rubber shoe on the catwalk for their spring 2018 fashion line during Paris fashion week.  For this reason, there is sure to be a resurgence of these godawful shoes by people who continue to mistake them as a comfortable and fashionable selection of footwear. Here are most of the reasons why this is the worst thing ever.

Reason #1: They’re hideous

Let me first just start off by saying, ew. That probably describes my feelings towards these shoes better than any other word. Clogs, in general, are such an unattractive shoe, I didn’t think it was possible to make them any less appealing. Somewhere along the line, someone must have decided to take on that challenge and designed a rubber clog, put a bunch of holes in it, and made it available in a variety of colors and patterns, including camouflage. Did I mention, you have the option to fill those ugly holes by purchasing little personalized bejeweled ornaments. It’s like a goddamn Christmas tree on your feet throughout the year.

Reason #2: They’re not even ergonomic

The croc is a classic example of people mistaking comfort for support. This is a severe problem people! The lack of support can cause the arches of your feet to flatten over a prolonged period. If the folks over in the marketing department cared more about the overall health of their customers as opposed to a few extra zeros on their paycheck, this message would have been clearly reiterated. Reason #2.1: the people who run the company are jerks.

Reason #3: They pose a safety hazard

Did you know that these shoes are banned for employees in most hospitals, restaurants, and offices? That’s because they pose numerous safety hazards in the workplace. Why is that, you ask? Because when you’re working with potentially biohazard materials, or piping hot food and drinks, you don’t necessarily want a bunch of air holes at the top of your shoe to invite said substances in.

Reason #4: No, you cannot wear them “anywhere”

In my opinion, it’s not necessarily appropriate to wear a croc in any public setting; however, formal events such as weddings, business meetings, or places of worship are circumstances that are especially inappropriate to wear these abominations. Part of the fuel for my hatred of the crocs stems from people thinking that it was an acceptable choice in footwear for such occasions.

Crocs, the tale of everything that’s wrong in modern society

It doesn’t look like the croc fad is going anywhere anytime soon. I guess it’s appropriate that this resurrection of the craze is happening right before Halloween. Be afraid people. Be very afraid.

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